New Year 2023

The year 2022 will always be the year I lost my father. What gives me peace is that I was there for 12 of the last 15 months of his life, even though I had no idea he wouldn't be with us to celebrate 2023. Losing him brought every other worry of my life into perspective.

In 2021, I lost my grandmother, a favourite aunt, a favourite uncle, other dear ones -- all to covid. All living in different cities in India.

But losing my father finally broke me. I find it a miracle I am back to my PhD and I am about to close this chapter. For that I am grateful.

Paper

I could be worried about the job market. I would've been anxious about job outcomes if it weren't for perspective-altering events in my life this year.

All I really care about now is to make every paper I write as good as I can possibly make it. I am behind and I wish I had had time to polish my work before the semester began but, hey, you play the hand you're dealt and I am not complaining.

Every line that improves a paper represents a triumph. Ultimately, I came here to do a PhD. I want every one of my ten chapters to be really good by the time I graduate.

First Presentation Back

So I have a presentation today. In a parallel universe, with life being normal, I would have been anxious beyond reason. The big job market practice talk. Everything depends on it! As it stands now, I am just glad I can sit in my cube and read a book and write some slides. Funny how reference points change meaning. 

I am back

I am back in New York. It's been ten months and I feel as if I've landed here for the first time. There's barely enough time to do things and almost certainly no time to do things right. I just hope to finish the PhD and get this degree. Everything else can be figured out in due course of time.

Don't get me wrong. I want to do REALLY well. But this is a throwback to the old Haaris style of working. There's no point thinking about anything. I hope I can enjoy my time here and I am quite certain I'll work hard. Circumstances are way too volatile to plan things out. 

Quote of the Week - XVI

Blest, who can unconcernedly find 

   Hours, days, and years slide soft away, 

In health of body, peace of mind, 

                            Quiet by day, 

Sound sleep by night; study and ease, 

   Together mixed; sweet recreation; 

And innocence, which most does please, 

                            With meditation. 

Thus let me live, unseen, unknown; 

   Thus unlamented let me die; 

Steal from the world, and not a stone 

                            Tell where I lie.

~ Alexander Pope

One Step

Here I am. Fifty days after my father's passing. Still dazed. Still out of sorts. Afraid to step back in.

Till my father was unwell, there was but one aim: to do what I could to help him. Nothing else really mattered. Now that he's gone, I have to look around. I have to get back to normal life.

I don't feel up to it. 

I just sent my first email announcing I am back.

What else could I do?

Quote of the Week - XV

Titan! to whose immortal eyes

The sufferings of mortality,

Seen in their sad reality,

Were not as things that gods despise;

What was thy pity's recompense?

A silent suffering, and intense;

The rock, the vulture, and the chain;

All that the proud can feel of pain;

The agony they do not show;

The suffocating sense of woe.

~ Byron