Quote of the Week XVII

'MY DEAR YOUNG FRIEND,

    'The die is cast -- all is over. Hiding the ravages of care with a sickly mask of mirth, I have not informed you, this evening, that there is no hope of the remittance! Under these circumstances, alike humiliating to endure, humiliating to contemplate, and humiliating to relate, I have discharged the pecuniary liability contracted at this establishment, by giving a note of hand, made payable fourteen days after date, at my residence, Pentonville, London. When it becomes due, it will not be taken up. The result is destruction. The bolt is impending, and the tree must fall.

    'Let the wretched man who now addresses you, my dear Copperfield, be a beacon to you through life. He writes with that intention, and in that hope. If he could think himself of so much use, one gleam of day might, by possibility, penetrate into the cheerless dungeon of his remaining existence -- though his longevity is, at present (to say the least of it), extremely problematical.

    'This is the last communication, my dear Copperfield, you will ever receive

               'From

                    'The

                        'Beggared Outcast,

                            'WILKINS MICAWBER.'

~ David Copperfield, Charles Dickens

New Year 2023

The year 2022 will always be the year I lost my father. What gives me peace is that I was there for 12 of the last 15 months of his life, even though I had no idea he wouldn't be with us to celebrate 2023. Losing him brought every other worry of my life into perspective.

In 2021, I lost my grandmother, a favourite aunt, a favourite uncle, other dear ones -- all to covid. All living in different cities in India.

But losing my father finally broke me. I find it a miracle I am back to my PhD and I am about to close this chapter. For that I am grateful.

Paper

I could be worried about the job market. I would've been anxious about job outcomes if it weren't for perspective-altering events in my life this year.

All I really care about now is to make every paper I write as good as I can possibly make it. I am behind and I wish I had had time to polish my work before the semester began but, hey, you play the hand you're dealt and I am not complaining.

Every line that improves a paper represents a triumph. Ultimately, I came here to do a PhD. I want every one of my ten chapters to be really good by the time I graduate.

First Presentation Back

So I have a presentation today. In a parallel universe, with life being normal, I would have been anxious beyond reason. The big job market practice talk. Everything depends on it! As it stands now, I am just glad I can sit in my cube and read a book and write some slides. Funny how reference points change meaning. 

I am back

I am back in New York. It's been ten months and I feel as if I've landed here for the first time. There's barely enough time to do things and almost certainly no time to do things right. I just hope to finish the PhD and get this degree. Everything else can be figured out in due course of time.

Don't get me wrong. I want to do REALLY well. But this is a throwback to the old Haaris style of working. There's no point thinking about anything. I hope I can enjoy my time here and I am quite certain I'll work hard. Circumstances are way too volatile to plan things out. 

Quote of the Week - XVI

Blest, who can unconcernedly find 

   Hours, days, and years slide soft away, 

In health of body, peace of mind, 

                            Quiet by day, 

Sound sleep by night; study and ease, 

   Together mixed; sweet recreation; 

And innocence, which most does please, 

                            With meditation. 

Thus let me live, unseen, unknown; 

   Thus unlamented let me die; 

Steal from the world, and not a stone 

                            Tell where I lie.

~ Alexander Pope

One Step

Here I am. Fifty days after my father's passing. Still dazed. Still out of sorts. Afraid to step back in.

Till my father was unwell, there was but one aim: to do what I could to help him. Nothing else really mattered. Now that he's gone, I have to look around. I have to get back to normal life.

I don't feel up to it. 

I just sent my first email announcing I am back.

What else could I do?